After The Death of a Child Comes Grief

I found I had so many questions and so few answers after my toddler died.

In 1989 I was 28 years old, happily married and living in a new home with two beautiful, healthy, young children.Within moments the pain of grief pierced my heart. My toddler was dead, and I experienced the absolute lowest point in my life and had no idea how I was going to survive. I wanted to die too.

It was at this time I was encouraged to keep a journal of my feelings and emotions which I did. Doing this exposed and off loaded my deepest emotions of grief. Little did I know then, that it;was going to be a significant part of my healing process.

It took me two years to forgive myself and others and begin to heal but I did. Slowly my life began to make sense again.

When the wounds of grief after the death of my toddler were raw, I found great peace from expressing my feelings; either through the written word or in conversation. Often conversation was difficult because it triggered tears or there was the absence of a listening ear when I needed it most. It was for this reason I am grateful that I was introduced to and began to use the healing art of journaling.

I once read and have since discovered that it is in the expression of emotions that healing happens. I found that over time, writing things down began to clear my confused mind and helped me to move forward.

I know of parents who have not survived, either in their physical or mental health, in their marriage, or in being able to function as loving parents to their remaining children. I know of parents who have tragically taken their own lives in desperation of never learning how to enjoy life again. The pain of living without healing can become too great for some to cope with.

Everyone grieves in their own personal way and in their own time. No one has the right to change that process for you. Life is constantly throwing choices at you and it is up to you and not anyone else to make the right choice to help you move forward.

Experiencing the death of a child is an indescribable loss that parents carry with them forever. You never get over such a tragedy. You learn to live with its memory and overtime you gain the strength you need to carry the weight of pain.

If you have experienced the death of a loved one you will find yourself going through these stages at some point. They may occur at different levels and at different times but overtime they will generally happen.

I truly wish no one had to experience the despair and emptiness that is felt after the death of a child but if you can embrace your journey and hang on tight for the ride, you will make it to the other side of healing, to lead a whole, happy and productive life again. You will have experienced an indescribable depth of life that only few experience.

My Journal as an eBook.

Jan Murray has been committed to studying and working as a Registered Nurse, Midwife and Child Health Nurse for over 25 years. Jan is a mother of five, (eldest deceased as a toddler), Child Health Consultant who co-founded and directs Settle Petal. Jan provides information and support for parents to develop their knowledge base and confidence. Receive your FREE Routines eBook and feel supported raising babies and toddlers at http://www.settlepetal.com. Unlock a secret to helping babies settle, sleep and grow.

Plan Your Own Funeral Before You Need It

By taking the time to plan your own funeral ahead of time, the agony of making these arrangements is lifted from your loved ones. This can be one of the best things that you can do for those that you love.

The worst part is that most people don't even realize that this planning service is available. We see the Funeral Home as a place that we only go to in our time of need.

Life insurance is broadly advertised, but not funeral planning. Maybe this is because we don't like to think about our own mortality. It is unfortunate that this major benefit to our loved ones is not more publicized.

Knowing which Funeral Home you will use is the key. Simply call the Funeral Home and schedule an appointment. They will set up a time for you when their schedule is quiet.

The staff of Funeral Homes is always knowledgeable and helpful. They will open a file in your name to be used when the time comes. What a great gift to give those that you love!

Making these arrangements includes filling in some details specific to your life. These include such things as the names of your parents, where you were born, and any siblings along with some other information.

One nice thing is that along with the planning, you may even get the option of paying for some or all of the expenses at today's costs. There are a few options that cannot be paid for ahead of time, since the payment for services of others (sometime in the distant future) cannot be accurately predicted. You can, however, put money towards these expenses.

The good part about this payment option is that there is usually no set payment plan. You pay the Funeral Home money towards the services as you can. Once you have enough in your account to pay for any specific item, it is completed and you start paying towards the next item.

When you plan your own funeral, there are several benefits:

    Your ancestral information is correct. This may be important to a child, a grandchild, or even a niece or nephew who is trying to find their "roots".
    There is no push to have you pay for anything that you have chosen. This does not become a monthly bill that adds to the mountain of bills in your daily life.
    Most importantly - your loved ones will be spared the agony of trying to fill out the paperwork and remember the details of your heritage correctly.
    Your loved ones will have the peace of mind of knowing that the services provided are just the way that you wanted them.

Once you have your funeral plans arranged, be sure that your loved ones are aware of whom to call when the time does come.

Although it is not high in our day-to-day thoughts, taking the time to plan your own funeral really is one of the best ways to provide for our loved ones. The last thing that they will need during their time of grief is the agony of making arrangements for the burial.

Humor and Healing - When It's Appropriate to Laugh After Loss

How soon should you laugh after a loss? This is the question that someone asked recently. They asked the question as if there is a concrete answer. There is not such an answer. I will try to offer some encouragement in this article, but it important to remember that the time limit will be different for every situation.

In January of 2012 I lost someone very close to me to death. The loss was sudden and unexpected. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced. I remember struggling with this very thought during the days following the loss. Having gone through this experience so recently I feel that I can offer some advice on the topic at hand. I hope you will find some answers to your questions as you read.

When answering this question, there are some questions of my own that I would like to ask in return.

    Do you feel like laughing now?
    Do you think laughter is somehow an indication of healing?
    Do you feel guilty for wanting to laugh?
    Do you feel that laughter is the antithesis of grief?

To answer the question posed in the title of this article I will try to answer each of the my own questions above.

    Do you feel like laughing now? If you feel like laughing the same day as you experience loss, then by all means laugh. This is part of the healing process. I am not recommending that you force yourself to laugh. However, when you have experienced a loss, you will go through an entire gamut of emotions. Laughter may spring from a natural emotion, and if so, those emotions should not be stifled. The Mayo Clinic in a study on laughter concluded that laughter actually helps to reduce stress. Follow a loss, especially the loss of someone very close to you, there will be a substantial amount of stress. Laughter, if naturally occurring, can help in relieving some of that stress.

    Do you think laughter is an indication of healing? I have to ask this in response to the original question because it is important to ascertain why the question was asked in the first place. I can remember having this very discussion with a close friend after my loss. Some family members were very upset that there had been an evening before the funeral when other members of the family had sat around the table laughing and telling stories. Perhaps they felt that laughter indicated that the others were no longer grieving the recently loss. This of course is not true. Laughter is an indication that healing has happened, but that the grieving process is taking place.

    Do you feel guilty for laughing or wanting to laugh? Don't. Laughter is part of the process. It is healthy. If you want to, go for it!

    Do you feel like laughter is the antithesis of grief? Again, that is simply not true. In the days following the loss in my family, we laughed, cried, talked, sat quietly, cried some more, and laughed some more. One minute we laughed, the next minute we were crying. These two emotions were not at odds with each other. They were companions on the road to healing.

Commemorate the Dead With Bronze Plaques

When laying a loved one to rest, the final stage of closure involves the placement of grave markers. These give you one final chance to communicate to the world how important the deceased was to you. Grave markers are the last gift you can give to your lost loved one. As such, there should be more to them than just headstones on their grave.

Designing grave markers during a difficult time can be a distressing task, however. Grief can overwhelm your decision-making or design process, despite your desire to create a lasting and loving marker. When this happens, you can follow these guidelines to have an earnest and thoughtful grave marker.

Gather Details

Gather information about the deceased, including the correct spelling of their name and dates of birth and death. Write it down, then double-check to make sure this important information is accurate.

Choose a Photo

Look through photos of the deceased, if you are planning to put a picture on the memorial plaque. Choose a photo that portrays them in the prime of their life or in happier times, like their childhood. You can also choose a recent photo as a remembrance of their appearance at the time of their death.

Choose an Epitaph

Epitaphs can serve as reflections of a person's existence. They highlight a person's personality traits and accomplishments in life. In some cases, they might also tell the story of the circumstance that brought them to their death.

When choosing an appropriate epitaph, look through a Bible, Torah, Koran or other religious materials for comforting and inspirational quotes, if the deceased had a religious preference. Consider using their favorite passage or scripture. Choose a quote that is not too long or wordy, however.

You can also choose an epitaph detailing the accomplishments of the deceased's life. For instance, you can commemorate the philanthropic works of a loved one known for their charitable works.

You can also look through a copy of the eulogy, if available. Write down some of the tributes given at the memorial service. Choose moving and appropriate quotes that best capture the spirit of the deceased. Whatever subject you choose, make sure the epitaph marks the deceased's existence here on Earth.

Add Embellishments

Decorate the grave marker by adding a simple flourish under the name and dates. Put a single flower or simple religious symbol on the side or at the top, if applicable.

Sketch out the Plaque

Draw an approximate draft of the plaque. Put the name at the top and the dates of birth and death below. Decide where to place the photo and epitaph, if applicable. Sketch out a block for copy or text.

Choose a Design

Grave marker manufacturers have different resources available to help you design. These include templates or ready-made designs, such as single monuments, footstones, and bronze plaques.

Guidelines For Choosing A Headstone

When visiting any stonemasons with regards to purchasing a headstone for a loved one's grave they should be able to talk you through the restrictions and guidelines that apply for the area you wish it to be placed in. However these can change and it is always worth having an idea of the basic guidelines before going to purchase the stone so you know what to expect.

One of the most important steps is to gain permission to have the headstone erected by submitting an application form. This is not something you need to worry about as your stonemasons should take care of this for you, but it is worth mentioning to them just to clarify they will do this.

Over the years the regulations adhered to for memorials has changed, meaning what was permitted 50 years ago may no longer be deemed as suitable now, so don't assume that if the graveyard features a headstone you like it will definitely be allowed now. This is especially true of large memorials. Guidelines state now that a memorial must conform to a certain size which is 107cm tall, 76 cm wide and 102mm in thickness. The stonemasons you choose will be able to inform you of the types of stone that can be used as these must be selected from an approved list, it is also worth asking them about the durability of each type of stone.

Another aspect to consider is the difference between being buried in a churchyard and a cemetery. If being buried in a churchyard it is usual for the headstone to be sympathetic to the church and you have to gain the church's permission to erect a headstone. It is also a requirement that inscriptions are compatible with the christian religion. There are more regulations affecting headstones placed in churchyards, such as the fact they cannot be made from a polished or shiny stone as they must be non-reflective. It is also worth noting that ceramic photo plaques are not permitted on headstones in churchyards, so if this is a particular feature you would like on the headstone then you may wish to consider a cemetery burial. Some of the above regulations still apply within a cemetery however the rules tend to be much more relaxed allowing you to express yourself more with the headstone you choose with regards to size, design and the type of stone used.

The Grieving Process - How People Deal With Death and Dying

Every one of us is going to die some day; it is the one thing that is common to every human being. Death is not discussed easily, however, even when it involves a family member, a close friend, even a parent.

We have many euphemisms when we want to say someone has died: he 'passed', he 'passed away', he 'lost his wife', and many others.

Typically in western society, when someone dies friends and family members rally, supporting the bereaved person with letters, flowers, phone calls and visits, until the time of the funeral and for a few weeks after. Then frequently everything goes quiet and the bereaved person is left alone to "get over" the death, on their own. The truth is that in the case of a much loved person, be it partner, spouse, parent, child or grandparent, often the lives of those affected by that death are changed forever. You become a different person as you adjust to living without the one who died.

Our attitude can make it very hard for a bereaved person. Take, for example, a man whose wife dies after a long marriage. There will be many aspects of his life that have been taken care of by his partner - starting with cooking meals. Organising a social life - seeing friends and family for outings, dinners etc -is often handled by women and suddenly a man, left on his own, can struggle. He may want to talk to his family and friends, to keep the memory of his wife alive but may fear breaking down and letting others see him cry. He may not be used to confiding in others and may worry about burdening them with his pain. For a woman whose husband dies the situation is similar, although for her the losses could include financial worries and concern over all the things her husband used to see to when he was alive.

When a parent dies, it is common for young children to be told very little and as a result they are afraid to ask questions. Many children are excluded from the funeral and are not given the opportunity to grieve. When a grandparent dies, others in the family may be prepared for the death, particularly if the person was ill or elderly, while a child may have no understanding that the death was likely. Grandparents occupy a vital role for children at times; young people need to be given the opportunity to grieve.

In our society, suicide is still treated as a taboo topic, rarely discussed. As a counsellor I have worked with several young people whose parent committed suicide. No one ever discussed with them what occurred and as a result they were deeply affected, long-term by the experience. Twenty years later in counselling sessions, a number of clients addressed their wounding.

The loss of a child is always a traumatic event and sometimes leads to the parents' separation, as they struggle with pain and guilt.

As a society we need to learn how to discuss death, openly and with compassion, to help those around us, whoever they are. We need to be brave; simply being there for someone and letting them talk is often all it takes. Death is something we will all experience as part of being human.

Do I Need to Hire a Lawyer When Settling an Estate?

After someone dies should the executor hire a lawyer? The simple answer is... maybe... it depends. I'm sure you just love that answer, don't you?! Let me explain. And, I'll begin by saying I'm not a lawyer, but as an Executor's Agent, I run across many instances where lawyers are not necessary, and some instances where they provide good value.

Firstly, is an executor obligated to hire a lawyer? Does the law say an executor must use a lawyer? No, there is no rule that says an executor must hire a lawyer. In a nutshell, settling an estate is an administrative task, so many people can do everything on their own.

Now the grey area. Should an executor hire a lawyer? Although settling an estate is primarily administrative, there can be some legal components to it. Not every estate, but many estates. For instance, does the will have to be probated? If the answer is 'yes' then legal forms will need to be prepared and filed in court (probate registry). This is clearly a legal task, but you can prepare and file these forms by yourself if you wish, and in many estates these forms are really easy to prepare. An inexpensive kit can be purchased at an office supply store containing the forms and instructions, and the obvious good news is that you'd avoid paying a lawyer to prepare these forms. The bad news, however, is that you cannot go to any other professional for assistance in preparing the forms. In British Columbia, notaries are not permitted to prepare these forms, nor are financial advisors, accountants, trustees or other consultants. It's just you or a lawyer. So, back to the big question: Should you hire a lawyer? It depends on the complexity of the estate, your level of confidence and the value of your time. In my experience most executors find the legal forms pretty easy, but it's the list of assets & liabilities that poses a challenge, but the good news is that anyone can help you prepare that list; you don't need a lawyer for that task.

We recently helped an executor with a simple estate who hired a lawyer to prepare the probate documents. For this person, hiring a lawyer was money well-spent. He had no computer, poor health, and most of the language used regarding probate was foreign to him, so his lawyer was able to provide him with some peace of mind.

Is the will complicated and hard to understand? A lawyer can help you understand it, especially if trusts are involved. Has one of the beneficiaries threatened to sue for a bigger portion of the estate? I consider this matter grey, but only you can decide how serious and capable the beneficiary may be.

If you choose to hire a lawyer, be clear on why you're taking this action. What do you want the lawyer to do for you, specifically? If, however, you're hiring a lawyer simply because you need to be educated on the steps involved in settling an estate, I would suggest there's less expensive ways of learning. An executor's agent, for example, can describe the process to you, ensure tasks are completed in a timely manner, prepare you for deadlines and can advise you on when legal advice may be beneficial.