Expressing Yourself When Someone Dies

One of this society's most taboo subjects is death. So, no wonder people have trepidation when it comes to attending funerals and expressing grief. If you have ever wondered what to say or do when a death occurs, keep reading.

What to Say:

    Say something. Silence is very hurtful to the grieving.

    Be compassionate and kind. This is not the time to air your grievances about the deceased or anyone else. Share a good memory or experience you have about the deceased.

    Keep it simple. "I'm sorry for your loss," is often enough. Don't go on and on. Remember that grieving people feel tired and emotionally spent. They cannot take in or process your emotions on top of their own.

    Be real. There are no magic words in situations surrounding a death. Don't think you have to say the "right" words to remove someone's grief. Grieving takes time. No special words will speed the process.

    Avoid mystical words. "He's in Heaven now" might be comforting to some, but not to everyone. Remember that when a death occurs, those left behind have very heightened emotions. Even well-intended messages can seem offensive. So, unless you know that mystical words will bring comfort, stick to a hug and an "I'm sorry."

    Don't speak in cliches. "Time heals all wounds," "she lived a long life," "at least his suffering has ended," "you'll love again," "God needed another angel." Such cliches seem trite to grieving people.

    Avoid advice. "You need to get on with your life." "When my mother died, I... " These types of offerings are not helpful. You simply cannot fix someone else's grief, so do not try. Each story is unique.

    Remember the Golden Rule. Say to others what you would hope someone would say to you. Empathy goes a long way.

What to Do at a Funeral:

    Attend if you knew the deceased or one or more members of the family. The purpose of a funeral is to show support and compassion for those left behind and/or to show respect and honor to the one who died. Don't attend out of morbid curiosity, to air your grievances, or accomplish some hidden agenda.

    View the body at the visitation or funeral to help get closure and to say goodbye. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but death is a natural part of life and something we all need to accept. If you really cannot bring yourself to view the body, then don't.

    Leave the front rows at the funeral services or all the chairs at a graveside service for family members. This is a sign of respect.

    Turn on your headlights in a funeral procession.
    Sign the register so the family will know you attended.
    Offer your respect, condolences, and affection to the family.
    Contribute to the memorial if you are able.
    Send flowers if you want to, but notice if the family requests memorial contributions instead of flowers and be respectful of that request.
    If the obituary states that the funeral is private, don't go unless you are specifically invited to do so.

What to Do Before & After:

    Send a card. Do not email your condolences. And, do not express your condolences on social media alone.

    Listen. If the bereaved seeks you out, try to offer a supportive ear. Don't try to talk them out of their grief. Just pay attention and express your compassion for them.

    Offer to house relatives if you have extra bedrooms.

    Send food and paper products. Funerals bring a host of out-of-town company. Extra groceries are appreciated. Remember things like fruits and vegetables as often times, casseroles are in abundance. Bring food in disposable and freezeable, containers, so the family doesn't have the extra burden of returning dishes. Toilet paper, napkins, and paper towels are another good idea and an added expense for the family.

    Offer help after guests leave town. Take home the towels and bedding to wash. Offer to dust or vacuum or clean bathrooms. You also can address and stamp the thank-you card envelopes.

    Mean it when you offer help. Don't just say, "Call me if you need anything." Check in a few days after the services and ask what you can do to be helpful, and even suggest a few ways.

    Invite the bereaved to join you for a movie, dinner, tea..anything that can serve as a friendly distraction and a needed break.Grieving is lonely.

    Be patient. Grieving takes time. Normal grieving can take six months to two years depending on the relationship to the deceased. It cannot be hurried.

How to Cope With the Sudden Death of a Parent

In my early months as a counsellor, a young woman came to see me for help in handling her relationships with partners. I'll call this client "Margaret". She was the elder of two girls and was extremely close to her mother, but less so to her father. Some of her difficulties with partners stemmed from the fact that she was not close to her father and lacked a strong male role model.

I received a phone call one day to inform me that Margaret's mother had died in her sleep. She was 48 years old and in good health. There had been absolutely no warning.

Two days later I saw Margaret for her regular counselling session. She behaved normally and when I asked how she was coping, she told me she was "fine". While I knew this could not be the case, I found it impossible to engage with Margaret over her mother's death. She was, of course, in a stage of denial; her mother's death was too terrible to believe, so she was denying the reality to herself.

I am using this case to illustrate how inadequately our society sometimes deals with death. While the entire family rallied to organize the funeral and support the bereaved husband, Margaret's father and closest relatives avoided talking with her about her mother. They failed to recognize that Margaret was traumatized by her death.

Sadly this is not an uncommon reaction. At a loss to know what to say or how to help a bereaved person, many people say nothing. Equally unhelpful (although the intention is good) are comments such as "I know how you feel".

Life is never the same once a parent dies and the most important thing, especially for a young person, is to identify people around you such as trusted family members or friends with whom you can talk about your parent. You need to find ways to express your feelings, whatever they are.

Different stages of grief have been documented, but in my experience when a parent dies the child can experience a vast range of emotions, in any order, and often several emotions at the same time. It is normal to feel anger and guilt as well as sadness. My suggestions for coping include:

    accepting all your conflicting and overwhelming emotions
    spending time with people you feel understand, at least in part
    taking time out, from school or work
    writing about your feelings in a journal
    as life settles down, writing a letter to your parent to say goodbye
    collecting all your special photos together and making an album

Rituals are important and I have encouraged clients over the years, when a parent has died, to consider what they would like to do to honour them. In the case of a sudden death, this is all the more important. I mentioned writing a letter to say goodbye; this has been a powerful and healing experience for many clients, even if they were reluctant to do so initially.

Finally, my advice would be to be kind to yourself and to accept that what you have experienced is a traumatic event. Your life, as you knew it, will be changed and you need to take as much time as you need to mourn and grieve, as you adjust to living without your parent.

Cemetery Burial Vaults: History, Purpose and Explanation

When someone is buried, the family is often required to purchase a burial vault or liner. Unfortunately, the family is often unfamiliar with these terms, which can be a huge disadvantage when trying to make an informed buying decision. The information provided here will allow you to select the burial vault or liner most appropriate for your needs.

A Brief History of the Cemetery Burial Vaults

Burial vaults were a solution to an age-old problem of the sinking or collapsing of the earth, underneath the weight of equipment, vehicles or even persons, due to the loss of the integrity of the casket while buried underground.

Early attempts at providing some sort of protection to keep the graves from collapsing, included lining the grave walls with stone or brick and placing a piece of slate on top. Later, vaults were designed and manufactured specifically for this purpose.

You will find that different styles of vaults were used at different periods of time and in different geographical areas. In general however, many U.S. cemeteries began using six piece or sectional vaults somewhere around the early 1900's. These six piece vaults were initially cut from slate and assembled in the open grave. They consisted of a bottom, four sides and a top; hence the name "six piece". Some variations had notches cut in the end pieces to keep the sides from pushing in, but the surrounding earth provided the majority of the stability for their design. Later, these slate vaults were replaced with six piece concrete vaults.

During the 1920's and 1930"s, 2 piece concrete vaults were beginning to emerge and by the late 1930's, the six piece vault had to settle for almost a niche use. The two piece vault may have required the use of specialized equipment, but the installation time was substantially reduced and could now be completed by one person. I am aware of some sectional vaults still being used today however.

To this day, the possibility of the earth collapsing from a burial made years ago without a vault still remains and reminds us of the safety provided by such a product.

Are Cemetery Burial Vaults Required

While there is generally no state law that requires the use of cemetery burial vaults or cemetery liners, most cemeteries, require the use of a concrete vault or liner for all traditional interments, mainly for the reasons listed above. You will find cemeteries across the U.S. that have no such requirement, and make their use optional.

Many cemeteries today may also require the use of a burial vault for the interment of cremated remains, since the same principles hold true. While not as large as a traditional interment, the collapse of a grave used for cremation can have maintenance and safety concerns as well. The fact that there are numerous cremation interments in a relatively small area increases the impact on safety and appearance if vaults were not used.

Often times the cremated remains of a loved one will be buried in a shared grave, and may have to be removed for the burial of another family member and reburied with them. The use of a cremation burial vault insures the integrity of the remains during this process.

Why is a Cemetery Burial Vault Required?

When a burial is made and covered with dirt, there are certain loads placed upon the burial. A burial vault is specifically designed to withstand these loads, where as a casket alone is not. These loads are generally referred to as static loads, dynamic loads and impact loads.

A static load is the normal weight load that is placed on the burial vault by the weight of the ground that is above it. With today's burial practices, the static load on a burial can exceed 4000 pounds or two tons.

A dynamic load is a load that varies in intensity. A dynamic load can be caused by cemetery equipment, such as tractors and backhoes, passing over the grave. Today's larger cemetery equipment can weight in excess of 25,000 pounds.

An impact load can be caused by the use of a tamper during the back-filling operation, and can deliver a force that can exceed that of a static or dynamic load. Although this normally occurs for only a brief period of time, this type of load can be concentrated on a very small area.

Types of Burial Vaults

Cemetery burial vaults may be made from concrete, plastic and even metals. They may be designed as a box with a lid on top, or as a flat bottom with a dome-shaped top that seals at the bottom. Each manufacturer will extol the virtues of their design, but it has been my experience that most, quality manufactured vaults, will provide adequate protection against the loads that a burial will encounter.

Concrete vaults are generally provided in three different categories. The liner is a simple concrete box, which has no seal, and may or may not contain holes in the bottom in order to allow any water that may accumulate, to drain out. Then there is a sealed vault, which is a concrete box that may be painted or coated for aesthetics and to provide some water-resistance. The sealed vault will also have a butyl type gasket that provides a water-resistant seal between the lid and the box. Finally you have the lined and sealed vault. These concrete vaults contain the same properties as the sealed vault but add an additional inner and sometimes outer liner that is said to offer the greatest amount of protection. These inner and outer liners can be made from plastics, or metals and often time are very ornate adding to the visual appeal. Plastic and metal vaults offer similar level of protection within their product lines as well. It should be noted that the concrete vault industry makes a distinction between Burial Vaults and Burial Liners or Boxes. They only consider "vaults" as those in the lined and sealed category, everything else would be considered a grave liner, grave box or outer burial container.

Warranty

Yep, you read it correctly. Some manufacturers will even offer a warranty with their burial vaults. I have read some of these warranties and they limit their liability to providing you with a replacement vault should there be any failure of the vault. Generally, the warranty is against defects in manufacturing and the intrusion of water, with some warranties extending out 80 years or more. You will have to decide for yourself if a warranty plays a role in your buying decision, as the only way you will be able to judge the quality of the vault would be by disinterment. Not something that is done on a regular basis.

Concrete vaults not only offer a measure of safety, they may also help to retain the integrity of the casket, as well as keep the earth from settling which assists the cemetery in its maintenance operations and helps to maintain a lasting beauty that would not be possible otherwise. While burial of the body or cremated remains should always be considered permanent, there are occasions when disinterment becomes necessary. The use of a burial vault when the interment was made can help ensure dignity during this process. Cemeteries generally do not require the use of a burial vault simply to sell you something, in fact there are many cemeteries that require the use of a burial vault and do not sell them at all. Burial vaults are required; to protect the integrity of the casket, for the safety of the visitor and the safety of cemetery personnel and equipment.

After The Death of a Child Comes Grief

I found I had so many questions and so few answers after my toddler died.

In 1989 I was 28 years old, happily married and living in a new home with two beautiful, healthy, young children.Within moments the pain of grief pierced my heart. My toddler was dead, and I experienced the absolute lowest point in my life and had no idea how I was going to survive. I wanted to die too.

It was at this time I was encouraged to keep a journal of my feelings and emotions which I did. Doing this exposed and off loaded my deepest emotions of grief. Little did I know then, that it;was going to be a significant part of my healing process.

It took me two years to forgive myself and others and begin to heal but I did. Slowly my life began to make sense again.

When the wounds of grief after the death of my toddler were raw, I found great peace from expressing my feelings; either through the written word or in conversation. Often conversation was difficult because it triggered tears or there was the absence of a listening ear when I needed it most. It was for this reason I am grateful that I was introduced to and began to use the healing art of journaling.

I once read and have since discovered that it is in the expression of emotions that healing happens. I found that over time, writing things down began to clear my confused mind and helped me to move forward.

I know of parents who have not survived, either in their physical or mental health, in their marriage, or in being able to function as loving parents to their remaining children. I know of parents who have tragically taken their own lives in desperation of never learning how to enjoy life again. The pain of living without healing can become too great for some to cope with.

Everyone grieves in their own personal way and in their own time. No one has the right to change that process for you. Life is constantly throwing choices at you and it is up to you and not anyone else to make the right choice to help you move forward.

Experiencing the death of a child is an indescribable loss that parents carry with them forever. You never get over such a tragedy. You learn to live with its memory and overtime you gain the strength you need to carry the weight of pain.

If you have experienced the death of a loved one you will find yourself going through these stages at some point. They may occur at different levels and at different times but overtime they will generally happen.

I truly wish no one had to experience the despair and emptiness that is felt after the death of a child but if you can embrace your journey and hang on tight for the ride, you will make it to the other side of healing, to lead a whole, happy and productive life again. You will have experienced an indescribable depth of life that only few experience.

My Journal as an eBook.

Jan Murray has been committed to studying and working as a Registered Nurse, Midwife and Child Health Nurse for over 25 years. Jan is a mother of five, (eldest deceased as a toddler), Child Health Consultant who co-founded and directs Settle Petal. Jan provides information and support for parents to develop their knowledge base and confidence. Receive your FREE Routines eBook and feel supported raising babies and toddlers at http://www.settlepetal.com. Unlock a secret to helping babies settle, sleep and grow.

Plan Your Own Funeral Before You Need It

By taking the time to plan your own funeral ahead of time, the agony of making these arrangements is lifted from your loved ones. This can be one of the best things that you can do for those that you love.

The worst part is that most people don't even realize that this planning service is available. We see the Funeral Home as a place that we only go to in our time of need.

Life insurance is broadly advertised, but not funeral planning. Maybe this is because we don't like to think about our own mortality. It is unfortunate that this major benefit to our loved ones is not more publicized.

Knowing which Funeral Home you will use is the key. Simply call the Funeral Home and schedule an appointment. They will set up a time for you when their schedule is quiet.

The staff of Funeral Homes is always knowledgeable and helpful. They will open a file in your name to be used when the time comes. What a great gift to give those that you love!

Making these arrangements includes filling in some details specific to your life. These include such things as the names of your parents, where you were born, and any siblings along with some other information.

One nice thing is that along with the planning, you may even get the option of paying for some or all of the expenses at today's costs. There are a few options that cannot be paid for ahead of time, since the payment for services of others (sometime in the distant future) cannot be accurately predicted. You can, however, put money towards these expenses.

The good part about this payment option is that there is usually no set payment plan. You pay the Funeral Home money towards the services as you can. Once you have enough in your account to pay for any specific item, it is completed and you start paying towards the next item.

When you plan your own funeral, there are several benefits:

    Your ancestral information is correct. This may be important to a child, a grandchild, or even a niece or nephew who is trying to find their "roots".
    There is no push to have you pay for anything that you have chosen. This does not become a monthly bill that adds to the mountain of bills in your daily life.
    Most importantly - your loved ones will be spared the agony of trying to fill out the paperwork and remember the details of your heritage correctly.
    Your loved ones will have the peace of mind of knowing that the services provided are just the way that you wanted them.

Once you have your funeral plans arranged, be sure that your loved ones are aware of whom to call when the time does come.

Although it is not high in our day-to-day thoughts, taking the time to plan your own funeral really is one of the best ways to provide for our loved ones. The last thing that they will need during their time of grief is the agony of making arrangements for the burial.

Humor and Healing - When It's Appropriate to Laugh After Loss

How soon should you laugh after a loss? This is the question that someone asked recently. They asked the question as if there is a concrete answer. There is not such an answer. I will try to offer some encouragement in this article, but it important to remember that the time limit will be different for every situation.

In January of 2012 I lost someone very close to me to death. The loss was sudden and unexpected. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced. I remember struggling with this very thought during the days following the loss. Having gone through this experience so recently I feel that I can offer some advice on the topic at hand. I hope you will find some answers to your questions as you read.

When answering this question, there are some questions of my own that I would like to ask in return.

    Do you feel like laughing now?
    Do you think laughter is somehow an indication of healing?
    Do you feel guilty for wanting to laugh?
    Do you feel that laughter is the antithesis of grief?

To answer the question posed in the title of this article I will try to answer each of the my own questions above.

    Do you feel like laughing now? If you feel like laughing the same day as you experience loss, then by all means laugh. This is part of the healing process. I am not recommending that you force yourself to laugh. However, when you have experienced a loss, you will go through an entire gamut of emotions. Laughter may spring from a natural emotion, and if so, those emotions should not be stifled. The Mayo Clinic in a study on laughter concluded that laughter actually helps to reduce stress. Follow a loss, especially the loss of someone very close to you, there will be a substantial amount of stress. Laughter, if naturally occurring, can help in relieving some of that stress.

    Do you think laughter is an indication of healing? I have to ask this in response to the original question because it is important to ascertain why the question was asked in the first place. I can remember having this very discussion with a close friend after my loss. Some family members were very upset that there had been an evening before the funeral when other members of the family had sat around the table laughing and telling stories. Perhaps they felt that laughter indicated that the others were no longer grieving the recently loss. This of course is not true. Laughter is an indication that healing has happened, but that the grieving process is taking place.

    Do you feel guilty for laughing or wanting to laugh? Don't. Laughter is part of the process. It is healthy. If you want to, go for it!

    Do you feel like laughter is the antithesis of grief? Again, that is simply not true. In the days following the loss in my family, we laughed, cried, talked, sat quietly, cried some more, and laughed some more. One minute we laughed, the next minute we were crying. These two emotions were not at odds with each other. They were companions on the road to healing.

Commemorate the Dead With Bronze Plaques

When laying a loved one to rest, the final stage of closure involves the placement of grave markers. These give you one final chance to communicate to the world how important the deceased was to you. Grave markers are the last gift you can give to your lost loved one. As such, there should be more to them than just headstones on their grave.

Designing grave markers during a difficult time can be a distressing task, however. Grief can overwhelm your decision-making or design process, despite your desire to create a lasting and loving marker. When this happens, you can follow these guidelines to have an earnest and thoughtful grave marker.

Gather Details

Gather information about the deceased, including the correct spelling of their name and dates of birth and death. Write it down, then double-check to make sure this important information is accurate.

Choose a Photo

Look through photos of the deceased, if you are planning to put a picture on the memorial plaque. Choose a photo that portrays them in the prime of their life or in happier times, like their childhood. You can also choose a recent photo as a remembrance of their appearance at the time of their death.

Choose an Epitaph

Epitaphs can serve as reflections of a person's existence. They highlight a person's personality traits and accomplishments in life. In some cases, they might also tell the story of the circumstance that brought them to their death.

When choosing an appropriate epitaph, look through a Bible, Torah, Koran or other religious materials for comforting and inspirational quotes, if the deceased had a religious preference. Consider using their favorite passage or scripture. Choose a quote that is not too long or wordy, however.

You can also choose an epitaph detailing the accomplishments of the deceased's life. For instance, you can commemorate the philanthropic works of a loved one known for their charitable works.

You can also look through a copy of the eulogy, if available. Write down some of the tributes given at the memorial service. Choose moving and appropriate quotes that best capture the spirit of the deceased. Whatever subject you choose, make sure the epitaph marks the deceased's existence here on Earth.

Add Embellishments

Decorate the grave marker by adding a simple flourish under the name and dates. Put a single flower or simple religious symbol on the side or at the top, if applicable.

Sketch out the Plaque

Draw an approximate draft of the plaque. Put the name at the top and the dates of birth and death below. Decide where to place the photo and epitaph, if applicable. Sketch out a block for copy or text.

Choose a Design

Grave marker manufacturers have different resources available to help you design. These include templates or ready-made designs, such as single monuments, footstones, and bronze plaques.